New iPhone App Tells You When to Kill Yourself

Apple has just released a new iPhone app that will tell its user if and when they should commit suicide.

Using patented technology, the app runs an algorithm that incorporates an array of biometric, financial and personal data derived from the user to determine when, why and how they should kill themselves.

"I think this could be a revolutionary new product. By taking the guesswork out of whether someone should commit suicide, thousands of valuable lives may be saved, while thousands more who really should might actually rid the world of themselves," remarked Apple spokesman Matt Hines.

According to its inventor Andrew Parsons, the app is capable of detecting physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, monitors its user's financial status in real time, analyzes the content of their outgoing text messages, and evaluates their appearance with a mirror application to determine the tenability of their continued existence.

"Simply being overweight, unattractive, or poor is unlikely to issue a suicide prompt, regardless of how fat, ugly or broke you are," Parsons explained, "Any combination of those three, depending on the degree, might however trigger the app."

Other factors that would contribute to a suicide prompt include prolonged residence in a subteranean portion of a parent's home, excessive amounts of attention paid to celebrity news, and spending all damn day using your fucking iPhone, said Parsons.

Parsons continued, "For example, my app would have advised Kurt Cobain against suicide, because he rocked. On the other hand, it definitely would have told that Discovery building guy to shoot himself before taking all those people hostage last week because he was nuts and looked like a bloated version of Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles."

The new suicide app also features satellite navigation designed to assist its user by providing directions to nearby bridges, tall buildings and railroad tracks.