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Humans Race to Resume Turning Planet into Living Hell

Emboldened by rising vaccination levels and plummeting infection rates, humans around the world are rushing to make up for lost time in their race to make the Earth a living hell.

In the US, millions of Americans hit the highways this holiday weekend to restore the Memorial Day tradition of throwing hundreds of tons of trash into the ocean while helping to replenish the air with thick layers of carcinogenic smog.

Others taking advantage of the return of large crowds did so by opening fire on a concert in Miami, killing only 2 but injuring two dozen more as part of a continued effort to compensate for the shortfall of mass shootings during the COVID pandemic.

"It really seems like we're getting back to normal," Florida Governor Ron DeSantis remarked.

In other parts of the world, fresh wildfires in Brazil promise to reduce millions more acres of rain forest to ash while Russia has launched a new campaign to eradicate the country's bee population after the granddaughter of a prominent oligarch got stung Saturday.

"We have been too soft on these bees for too long. Now it is time for payback," Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed.

As of press time, we are still doomed.

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