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	Homeschool Moms Hiring Bullies to Teach Kids Valuable Lessons - A flurry of obscenities mingling with screams of anguish reverberated throughout Tammy Price’s Waterbury, Connecticut home, but she did her best to ignore them. Less than fifty feet away, just up a flight of stairs, her son’s shrieks for mercy were growing loud enough to drown out Judge Judy’s latest verdict, compelling her to turn up the volume on the television. When the commotion finally subsided, she gave her child’s tormentor... (More)




	Man's Surprises to His Wife Always His Penis - Dan Sparks of Falls Church, Virginia is full of surprises. Unfortunately, as far as his wife of forty-five years is concerned, they always involve his penis. "It was amusing, even a little bit sexy in a silly sort of way the first time when we were in our twenties," remarked Helen Sparks, "But after the hundredth time, it's no longer surprising. It's not funny, and it's certainly not sexy. It's enough already."Sparks, a self-proclaimed master of nuance at his chosen art form, has employed... (More)




	Suspended Police Officer Reduced to Beating, Gassing Own Family - While an internal investigation continues to wrangle with the question of whether excessive force was used by Deputy Kyle Ramsey during his arrest of a loitering suspect two weeks ago, the officer has resorted to beating and gassing his own family during his paid suspension. Though Ramsey, 38, says he’d much rather be back meting out immoderately rough justice to the “slimeballs” walking the streets, he reports taking consolation in the opportunity towhip his household into shape during his involuntary furlough. “From the general lack of respect for authority to... (More)



	Sixteen Year-Old Boy Hasn't Masturbated, Slept in Four Years - "Recovering sinner" Trevor Bolton, 16, has suffered a spell of complete insomnia spanning an amazing four years, sources report. According to the Bolton family, their son's inability to sleep represents a divine punishment from God for the sinful act of allowing the devil to possess him to manipulate his penis for the purpose of achieving sexual gratification in 2003. "Though he knew not of what he was doing, my son opened the door to Satan the morning he locked himself in our bathroom for... (More)

	Sadness, Anger Outlawed In Irvine, California - As of this Monday morning, it is no longer legal to be publicly sad or angry in Irvine, California, an affluent suburb of suburban Orange County. At the behest of The Irvine Company, the real estate investment company that owns most of the land and property comprising the city deemed the safest in the United States the last two years, Irvine's City Council passed the new law that "hereby prohibits the public exhibition of any countenance overtly recognizable as sad, angry, or any... (More)

	Fifteen Month Old Black Man Gunned Down By Police, Community Unhappy - A fifteen month-old black man was shot and killed by members of the Los Angeles Police Department on a city playground yesterday, sparking cries of excessive force from people in the community. According to police spokesman Cpl. Ronald Chapman, the officers involved were responding to a report of a disturbance in Exposition Park when they oberved Terrell Jefferson, 1, stumbling around a picnic table, shouting incoherently. The officers, surmising Jefferson's erratic behavior to be the result of a drug induced delirium, drew their weapons and ordered the man to... (More)

	High School Volunteer Not Seen by Friends in Retirement Home Since Being Accepted to Stanford - Residents of the New Horizon Gardens retirement home in Fountain Valley, California report missing Felicia Cooley, 17, a local high school student who volunteered at the center regularly over the last three years before stopping abruptly last month, when she was accepted to attend Stanford next fall. "I know how much she wanted to get into college, so I drew her a congratulations card in art class," said Edith Montross, 83... (More)

	Man Commits Suicide After Winning $1 Million In Russian Roulette Tournament - 43 year-old Isaac Clemons, formerly of Cherry Hill, New Jersey, killed himself less than twenty-four hours after winning one million dollars in a Russian roulette tournament when he drove his car into a river Sunday. Despite defying the odds by being the only surviving contestant from a field of eight participating in the underground tournament, Clemons, who had battled clinical depression since losing his job and being divorced by his wife early last year, evidentl... (More)

	Woman Who Spent $4,000 on “Slimming” Handbag Still A Fat, Shallow Cunt - According to those familiar with her, the acquisition of a $4,000 handbag has done nothing to improve the public's opinion of Alexa Fletcher, a big, fat cunt from Laguna Beach, California. "It's really cute, and it's a Diore, which is absolutely synonymous with chic," Fletcher gushed over the inanimate object slung over her shoulder as it performed the practical function of preventing her keys, credit cards and two Mrs. Field’s chocolate chip cookies wrapped in a... (More)

	Man Shows Ex-Girlfriend By Castrating Himself - A man embittered over his girlfriend's refusal to rekindle their two year relationship exacted revenge on the woman by castrating himself Friday. 26 year-old Jesse Fisher, disgruntled over the unwillingness of his ex to reunite with him after he broke up with her two months ago, really showed the woman, Heather Roberts, 25, by mailing her his genitals after severing them from his body with a box cutter."Heather was the only girl for me, but she turned me away. She... (More)

	Douche Bag Writes Girl Love Poem - A high school junior's ill conceived attempt to charm a classmate with a self-penned love poem ended in complete, predictable catastrophe yesterday, sources report.Evidently, Sixteen year-old gaywad Blair McKinney got the dumb idea to author the preposterously maudlin attempt at verse from the object of his affection herself, Nicole Timmerman, also sixteen, and oblivious to the fact that Timmerman is in no way interested in him and was merely playing a cruel joke, spent half the same evening writing... (More)

	Nine Year-Old Outvoted 3-1 In Family Suicide Pact - The Peterson family of Whispering Water Lane in San Jose, California will commit suicide together this weekend after systematically destroying all their possessions despite the stubborn opposition to the plan by youngest member Robby, patriarch Dennis reports. Robby, 9, cast the only dissenting vote against the alienated family's suicide pact yesterday, with Dennis, his wife Michelle and sixteen year-old daughter Courtney all voting in favor. "It wasn't unexpected. Robby's very naive,"remarked Mr. Peterson, "He says he wants to keep living in this tedious, miserable world. Well, maybe I don't... (More)

	Pro-Life Woman Looking Forward To Giving Birth To Baby With Fatal Genetic Disorder - Despite genetic screening tests that indicate the child she is currently fifteen weeks pregnant with will develop Tay-Sachs disease, a genetic disorder that leads to the inexorable death of the afflicted child within the first two years of its life, Patricia Duncan of Lexington, Kentucky has rejected her doctor's recommendation to abort her pregnancy and claims to be looking forward to raising and loving her baby 'As long as God... (More)

	Netflix List Exposes Man As Homosexual, Stupid To Family And Friends - Several friends and family members of Matthew Moss of Bellflower, California have been shocked to discover that the man they thought they knew is actually homosexual and of well below average intelligence since accepting invitations to join his Netflix friends list over the last few months. Indeed, every one of Moss's Netflix friends, a feature of the on-line DVD rental service that allows members to view the rental histories of consenting fellow members, have... (More)

	Differently-Abled Boy Able To Sit Still For Hours On End - Trevor Connor, the six year-old differently-abled son of Michelle and George Connor of Colorado Springs, Colorado, possesses the rare ability for a boy his age to sit completely still for hours, his proud parents report."Our Trevor is an angel. He's very calm and quiet. He'll sit completely motionless for hours, and then when he does move, it's usually just his head or a hand shifting an inch or less...(More)

	Ghost of Charles Bukowski Haunting East Hollywood Apartment - After dozens of reports of extraordinary goings-on in unit K on De Longpre Avenue by its numerous occupants over the last twelve years, it has been determined that the ghost of Charles Bukowski is haunting the East Hollywood apartment he made his home from 1970 to 1978. According to paranormal experts and friends of the ribald, alcoholic writer who passed away in 1994, the conclusion that his phantom presence is occupying the residence is the only logical explanation for... (More)

	Pleasant Cove Quarterly Newsletter - What's New in Pleasant Cove? - Crime Log: Mar. 24 – Monica Webster, 12, and Dianna Morris, 13, both of Sunny Meadow Lane were apprehended by Pleasant Cove security while vandalizing a neighbor’s house with toilet paper. Their heads were removed and impaled on posts at the community’s south gate where they will remain until April 24 in accordance with the statutory penalty codes of the Pleasant Cove Homeowners Association CCRs... (More)

	Mom's New Hummer Makes Life A Living Hell For Bay Area Middle Schooler- Since being seen disembarking from his mother's new Hummer outside of Rolling Hills Middle School this Monday, life has been miserable for eleven year-old Josh Ritterman of Pacifica, California, an affluent coastal town just south of San Francisco. In contrast to a General Motors advertising campaign that suggests being observed in a Hummer will... (More)

	Scattergories Dispute Ends With Three Dead - A game of Scattergories ended with three dead when disgruntled participant Rudy Norwood, 28, stabbed and killed his father, sister and brother-in-law with Saturday. Marketed as a wholesome, family oriented game that challenges contestants to match categories using words that start with the same letter in a limited amount of time, Scattergories has come to be known as an incendiary source of household dischord by many of those who've actually played it in real life, but never... (More)

	Distrustful Boy Loses Out on Twenty Dollars, Free Ice Cream from Kind Stranger - Nine year-old Kyle Fitzgerald of was the only one of his friends to miss out on twenty dollars and a bunch of free ice cream when he let his overly cynical nature allow him to misinterpret the generous overtures of a kindly stranger Saturday afternoon. The group of boys were in a wooded area surrounding Edgewood Park when they were approached by the friendly man, a stubble faced middle aged fellow dressed in a trench coat who none of them had ever seen before, where they... (More)

	Boy Mauled to Death by Zoo Lions Dream of Being on Television Comes True In a heartwarming epilogue to the highly publicized tale of Texas youngster Brent Lindenmueller’s gruesome mauling death at the Aaron Burr Memorial Zoo in El Paso Thursday, it has been learned that the ten-year-old boy’s lifelong dream was to be on television. Lindenmueller, who was brutally dismembered, eviscerated, eventually decapitated and partially eaten... (More)

	Young Harlot Goes Topless On South Carolina Beach – Triggers Pandemonium - Local harlot Trisha Van Sant removed her shirt and pranced topless along Jones Beach yesterday, causing an uproar that continues to reverberate throughout town. The incident began shortly after the five-year-old Van Sant arrived at the beach with her mother Susan, who sat idly by while her daughter proceeded to disrobe and apply oil to herself in a fashion most eyewitnesses described as ‘highly provocative’...(More)

	Marilyn Manson Having Trouble Adjusting to New Suburban Lifestyle - Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker who has been the bane of suburban households across the country for over a decade by turning gloomy, androgynous nihilism into a teenage fashion trend is seemingly getting his karmic come-uppance since getting married and purchasing a home in Silverbrook Canyon Estates, an upscale enclave of Mission Viejo, California... (More)

	Christian Group Launches Campaign against Public Sexual Activity of Flowers - A group of local activists called Concerned Christians for the Enforcement of Proper Public Rectitude for all Species (CCEPPRS) are up in arms over what they call the shameful ongoing habit of plants and flowers to openly engage in sex in public, and have launched a campaign to put a stop to it...(More)

	Locals Protest Lack of Non-Handicapped Wal-Mart Parking Near Marine Base - A shrinking number of regular parking spots surrounding the Cardianal Heights Wal-Mart near Quantico Marine Base has many local residents fuming. The Super Center, which has been re-designating the spots closest to the entrance of the store to accommodate the growing number of injured veterans returning from Iraq, has been besieged...(More)

	Pfizer Executive's Persistent Viagra Erection Undermines Drug Talk With Son - After discovering a stash of marijuana and Vicodin tablets in his sock drawer this morning, Pfizer executive Scott Gaines delivered a severe reprimand to his sixteen year-old son Michael for taking non-Pfizer produced controlled substances. Despite his own admission that he’d been long derelict in putting off having the “Drug Talk” with his son... (More)

	Man Kills Family Dog, Wins Back Estranged Wife And Child - A perseverant 36 year-old Walter Flaherty is back at home with his wife and baby child this week after killing the family pet, a four-year-old Boston Terrier named Snickers. The reconciliation culminates a rocky six-month estrangement since the unemployed alcoholic was most recently evicted from the house. According Janine Flaherty, the murder of Snickers, whom her husband shot to death and left stuffed in the mailbox... (More)

	Little Leaguer Released By Family, Replaced With Star Dominican Shortstop - After another disappointing performance in the Little League World Series, 12 year-old Daniel Gorman was released by his parents Stephen and Patricia this Wednesday after officially clearing waivers at midnight that morning. Gorman, who hit an anemic .235 with no home runs, 5 RBI and 7 errors in 16 games with the Pembroke Pines, Florida Yankees during the regular season performed even worse... (More)

	Crestline Estates Residents WARNING: Super Predators at Large - Home Owners Association Alert! As you’re probably aware, an influx in crime has beset our community - punctuated last week with the discovery of several lawn chairs floating in the clubhouse pool. We must acknowledge that despite the gates that surround our community and the fine security force we hire to patrol it, we still live within a very dangerous country and should remain always vigilant... (More)

	New Strip Mall Caters to, Reinforces, Ethnic Stereotypes -... The strip mall, which is comprised of seven businesses flanking a new Ross Clothing Store, boasts a Red Dragon Chinese Food and Donuts shop next door to a dry cleaners run by a family from Hong Kong, a Luigi’s Pizza, Pasta and Deli, a Mexican owned mattress and hammock outlet, a Starbucks, and a Bombay Liquor store...(More)

	Senior "Prank" Leaves Eight Dead, Dozens Wounded at California High School - Bayside High School in Bayside, California became a battlefield this morning when, in the name of an unfathomable prank, a group of senior students killed eight and injured dozens more during a bloody assault on their campus. Thinking that their actions would be perceived as "sort of funny", the three perpetrators comprising the self-titled ... (More)

	Man who had Near Death Experience Arrested for being Under Influence of DMT - A man who drove through a local pet store after suffering a heart attack behind the wheel of his car on Thursday was arrested after it was discovered that he was under the influence of the hallucinogenic drug DMT (dimethyltryptamine) at the time...(More)

	Family Raises Household Security Alert Status to ‘Brown’ with Impending Arrival of Kyle “Poopy Pants” Lindeburger - The McFaddens of 4615 Rattletrap Road elevated the color code of their Household Security Alert Status to ‘brown’ today after Julie McFadden consented to her son Dakota’s request that his friend Kyle “Poopy Pants” Lindeburger sleep over. The decision to ‘go brown’ for the third time this year – was made in response to the seven year old boy’s notoriety for defecating in his pants...(More)

	If You Don’t Watch Channel 5 News at Ten Tonight and Your Child Dies, You Have Nobody to Blame But Yourself - Tonight’s Channel 5 News at Ten will feature an installment that has direct implications on the health and well being of your child. This expose will elucidate the dangers of, possibly, any one of the following: a toy, type of food, terrorist plot, biological or chemical agent, or an environment that up until nowyou regarded as not being at all... (More)