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 | Homeschool
Moms Hiring Bullies to Teach Kids Valuable Lessons -
A flurry of obscenities mingling with screams
of anguish reverberated throughout Tammy Prices Waterbury, Connecticut home,
but she did her best to ignore them. Less than fifty feet away, just up a flight
of stairs, her sons shrieks for mercy were growing loud enough to drown
out Judge Judys latest verdict, compelling her to turn up the volume on
the television. When the commotion finally subsided, she gave her childs
tormentor... (More) | | | |
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Man's
Surprises to His Wife Always His Penis - Dan
Sparks of Falls Church, Virginia is full of surprises. Unfortunately, as far as
his wife of forty-five years is concerned, they always involve his penis. "It
was amusing, even a little bit sexy in a silly sort of way the first time when
we were in our twenties," remarked Helen Sparks, "But after the hundredth
time, it's no longer surprising. It's not funny, and it's certainly not sexy.
It's enough already."Sparks, a self-proclaimed master of nuance at his chosen
art form, has employed... (More) | | |
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 | Suspended
Police Officer Reduced to Beating, Gassing Own Family - While
an internal investigation continues to wrangle with the question of whether excessive
force was used by Deputy Kyle Ramsey during his arrest of a loitering suspect
two weeks ago, the officer has resorted to beating and gassing his own family
during his paid suspension. Though Ramsey, 38, says hed much rather be back
meting out immoderately rough justice to the slimeballs walking the
streets, he reports taking consolation in the opportunity towhip his household
into shape during his involuntary furlough. From the general lack of respect
for authority to... (More) | | |
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Sixteen
Year-Old Boy Hasn't Masturbated, Slept in Four Years -
"Recovering sinner" Trevor Bolton,
16, has suffered a spell of complete insomnia spanning an amazing four years,
sources report. According to the Bolton family, their son's inability to sleep
represents a divine punishment from God for the sinful act of allowing the devil
to possess him to manipulate his penis for the purpose of achieving sexual gratification
in 2003. "Though he knew not of what he was doing, my son opened the door
to Satan the morning he locked himself in our bathroom for... (More) | | |
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Sadness,
Anger Outlawed In Irvine, California - As
of this Monday morning, it is no longer legal to be publicly sad or angry in Irvine,
California, an affluent suburb of suburban Orange County. At the behest of The
Irvine Company, the real estate investment company that owns most of the land
and property comprising the city deemed the safest in the United States the last
two years, Irvine's City Council passed the new law that "hereby prohibits
the public exhibition of any countenance overtly recognizable as sad, angry, or
any... (More) | | |
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Fifteen
Month Old Black Man Gunned Down By Police, Community Unhappy -
A fifteen month-old black man was shot and killed
by members of the Los Angeles Police Department on a city playground yesterday,
sparking cries of excessive force from people in the community. According to police
spokesman Cpl. Ronald Chapman, the officers involved were responding to a report
of a disturbance in Exposition Park when they oberved Terrell Jefferson, 1, stumbling
around a picnic table, shouting incoherently. The officers, surmising Jefferson's
erratic behavior to be the result of a drug induced delirium, drew their weapons
and ordered the man to... (More) | | |
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High
School Volunteer Not Seen by Friends in Retirement Home Since Being Accepted to
Stanford - Residents
of the New Horizon Gardens retirement home in Fountain Valley, California report
missing Felicia Cooley, 17, a local high school student who volunteered at the
center regularly over the last three years before stopping abruptly last month,
when she was accepted to attend Stanford next fall. "I know how much she
wanted to get into college, so I drew her a congratulations card in art class,"
said Edith Montross, 83... (More) | | |
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Man
Commits Suicide After Winning $1 Million In Russian Roulette Tournament
- 43 year-old Isaac Clemons,
formerly of Cherry Hill, New Jersey, killed himself less than twenty-four hours
after winning one million dollars in a Russian roulette tournament when he drove
his car into a river Sunday. Despite defying the odds by being the only surviving
contestant from a field of eight participating in the underground tournament,
Clemons, who had battled clinical depression since losing his job and being divorced
by his wife early last year, evidentl... (More) | |
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Woman
Who Spent $4,000 on Slimming Handbag Still A Fat, Shallow Cunt
- According to those familiar
with her, the acquisition of a $4,000 handbag has done nothing to improve the
public's opinion of Alexa Fletcher, a big, fat cunt from Laguna Beach, California.
"It's really cute, and it's a Diore, which is absolutely synonymous with
chic," Fletcher gushed over the inanimate object slung over her shoulder
as it performed the practical function of preventing her keys, credit cards and
two Mrs. Fields chocolate chip cookies wrapped in a... (More) | | |
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Man
Shows Ex-Girlfriend By Castrating Himself -
A man embittered over his girlfriend's refusal
to rekindle their two year relationship exacted revenge on the woman by castrating
himself Friday. 26 year-old Jesse Fisher, disgruntled over the unwillingness of
his ex to reunite with him after he broke up with her two months ago, really showed
the woman, Heather Roberts, 25, by mailing her his genitals after severing them
from his body with a box cutter."Heather was the only girl for me, but she
turned me away. She... (More) | | |
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Douche
Bag Writes Girl Love Poem -
A high school junior's ill conceived attempt
to charm a classmate with a self-penned love poem ended in complete, predictable
catastrophe yesterday, sources report.Evidently, Sixteen year-old gaywad Blair
McKinney got the dumb idea to author the preposterously maudlin attempt at verse
from the object of his affection herself, Nicole Timmerman, also sixteen, and
oblivious to the fact that Timmerman is in no way interested in him and was merely
playing a cruel joke, spent half the same evening writing... (More) | |
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Nine
Year-Old Outvoted 3-1 In Family Suicide Pact
- The Peterson family of Whispering Water Lane
in San Jose, California will commit suicide together this weekend after systematically
destroying all their possessions despite the stubborn opposition to the plan by
youngest member Robby, patriarch Dennis reports. Robby, 9, cast the only dissenting
vote against the alienated family's suicide pact yesterday, with Dennis, his wife
Michelle and sixteen year-old daughter Courtney all voting in favor. "It
wasn't unexpected. Robby's very naive,"remarked Mr. Peterson, "He says
he wants to keep living in this tedious, miserable world. Well, maybe I don't...
(More) | | |
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Pro-Life
Woman Looking Forward To Giving Birth To Baby With Fatal Genetic Disorder
- Despite genetic screening tests that
indicate the child she is currently fifteen weeks pregnant with will develop Tay-Sachs
disease, a genetic disorder that leads to the inexorable death of the afflicted
child within the first two years of its life, Patricia Duncan of Lexington, Kentucky
has rejected her doctor's recommendation to abort her pregnancy and claims to
be looking forward to raising and loving her baby 'As long as God... (More) | |
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Netflix
List Exposes Man As Homosexual, Stupid To Family And Friends
- Several friends and family members of Matthew Moss of Bellflower, California
have been shocked to discover that the man they thought they knew is actually
homosexual and of well below average intelligence since accepting invitations
to join his Netflix friends list over the last few months. Indeed, every one of
Moss's Netflix friends, a feature of the on-line DVD rental service that allows
members to view the rental histories of consenting fellow members, have... (More) | |
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Differently-Abled
Boy Able To Sit Still For Hours On End
- Trevor
Connor, the six year-old differently-abled son of Michelle and George Connor of
Colorado Springs, Colorado, possesses the rare ability for a boy his age to sit
completely still for hours, his proud parents report."Our Trevor is an angel.
He's very calm and quiet. He'll sit completely motionless for hours, and then
when he does move, it's usually just his head or a hand shifting an inch or less...(More) | | |
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Ghost
of Charles Bukowski Haunting East Hollywood Apartment -
After dozens of reports of extraordinary goings-on
in unit K on De Longpre Avenue by its numerous occupants over the last twelve
years, it has been determined that the ghost of Charles Bukowski is haunting the
East Hollywood apartment he made his home from 1970 to 1978. According to paranormal
experts and friends of the ribald, alcoholic writer who passed away in 1994, the
conclusion that his phantom presence is occupying the residence is the only logical
explanation for... (More) | | |
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Pleasant
Cove Quarterly Newsletter - What's New in Pleasant Cove? - Crime
Log: Mar. 24 Monica Webster, 12,
and Dianna Morris, 13, both of Sunny Meadow Lane were apprehended by Pleasant
Cove security while vandalizing a neighbors house with toilet paper. Their
heads were removed and impaled on posts at the communitys south gate where
they will remain until April 24 in accordance with the statutory penalty codes
of the Pleasant Cove Homeowners Association CCRs... (More) | |
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Mom's
New Hummer Makes Life A Living Hell For Bay Area Middle Schooler-
Since being seen disembarking from his mother's new
Hummer outside of Rolling Hills Middle School this Monday, life has been miserable
for eleven year-old Josh Ritterman of Pacifica, California, an affluent coastal
town just south of San Francisco. In contrast to a General Motors advertising
campaign that suggests being observed in a Hummer will... (More) | |
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Scattergories
Dispute Ends With Three Dead - A game of
Scattergories ended with three dead when disgruntled participant Rudy Norwood,
28, stabbed and killed his father, sister and brother-in-law with Saturday. Marketed
as a wholesome, family oriented game that challenges contestants to match categories
using words that start with the same letter in a limited amount of time, Scattergories
has come to be known as an incendiary source of household dischord by many of
those who've actually played it in real life, but never... (More) | | |
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Distrustful
Boy Loses Out on Twenty Dollars, Free Ice Cream from Kind Stranger
- Nine year-old Kyle Fitzgerald of
was the only one of his friends to miss out on twenty dollars and a bunch of free
ice cream when he let his overly cynical nature allow him to misinterpret the
generous overtures of a kindly stranger Saturday afternoon. The group of boys
were in a wooded area surrounding Edgewood Park when they were approached by the
friendly man, a stubble faced middle aged fellow dressed in a trench coat who
none of them had ever seen before, where they... (More)
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Boy
Mauled to Death by Zoo Lions Dream of Being on Television Comes True
In a heartwarming epilogue to the highly publicized tale of Texas
youngster Brent Lindenmueller’s gruesome mauling death at the Aaron Burr Memorial
Zoo in El Paso Thursday, it has been learned that the ten-year-old boy’s lifelong
dream was to be on television. Lindenmueller,
who was brutally dismembered, eviscerated, eventually decapitated and partially
eaten... (More) | |
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Young
Harlot Goes Topless On South Carolina Beach – Triggers Pandemonium
- Local harlot
Trisha Van Sant removed her shirt and pranced topless along Jones Beach yesterday,
causing an uproar that continues to reverberate throughout town. The incident
began shortly after the five-year-old Van Sant arrived at the beach with her mother
Susan, who sat idly by while her daughter proceeded to disrobe and apply oil to
herself in a fashion most eyewitnesses described as ‘highly provocative’...(More) | |
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Marilyn
Manson Having Trouble Adjusting to New Suburban Lifestyle
- Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker
who has been the bane of suburban households across the country for over a decade
by turning gloomy, androgynous nihilism into a teenage fashion trend is seemingly
getting his karmic come-uppance since getting married and purchasing a home in
Silverbrook Canyon Estates, an upscale enclave of Mission Viejo, California...
(More) | |
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Christian
Group Launches Campaign against Public Sexual Activity of Flowers
- A group of local activists called Concerned Christians for the
Enforcement of Proper Public Rectitude for all Species (CCEPPRS) are up in arms
over what they call the shameful ongoing habit of plants and flowers to openly
engage in sex in public, and have launched a campaign to put a stop to it...(More) | |
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Locals
Protest Lack of Non-Handicapped Wal-Mart Parking Near Marine Base -
A shrinking number
of regular parking spots surrounding the Cardianal Heights Wal-Mart near Quantico
Marine Base has many local residents fuming. The Super Center, which has been
re-designating the spots closest to the entrance of the store to accommodate the
growing number of injured veterans returning from Iraq, has been besieged...(More) | |
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Pfizer Executive's
Persistent Viagra Erection Undermines Drug Talk With Son
- After discovering a stash of marijuana and Vicodin tablets in
his sock drawer this morning, Pfizer executive Scott Gaines delivered a severe
reprimand to his sixteen year-old son Michael for taking non-Pfizer produced controlled
substances. Despite his own admission that hed been long derelict in putting
off having the Drug Talk with his son... (More) | |
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Man
Kills Family Dog, Wins Back Estranged Wife And Child - A
perseverant 36 year-old Walter Flaherty is back at home with his wife and baby
child this week after killing the family pet, a four-year-old Boston Terrier named
Snickers. The reconciliation culminates a rocky six-month estrangement since the
unemployed alcoholic was most recently evicted from the house. According Janine
Flaherty, the murder of Snickers, whom her husband shot to death and left stuffed
in the mailbox... (More) | |
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Little
Leaguer Released By Family, Replaced With Star Dominican Shortstop
- After
another disappointing performance in the Little League World Series, 12 year-old
Daniel Gorman was released by his parents Stephen and Patricia this Wednesday
after officially clearing waivers at midnight that morning. Gorman, who hit an
anemic .235 with no home runs, 5 RBI and 7 errors in 16 games with the Pembroke
Pines, Florida Yankees during
the regular season performed even worse... (More) | |
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Crestline
Estates Residents WARNING: Super Predators at Large
- Home Owners Association Alert!
As you’re probably aware, an influx in crime has beset our community - punctuated
last week with the discovery of several lawn chairs floating in the clubhouse
pool. We must acknowledge that despite the gates that surround our community and
the fine security force we hire to patrol it, we still live within a very dangerous
country and should remain always vigilant... (More)
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| New
Strip Mall Caters to, Reinforces, Ethnic Stereotypes -...
The strip mall, which is comprised of seven businesses flanking a new Ross Clothing
Store, boasts a Red Dragon Chinese Food and Donuts shop next door to a dry cleaners
run by a family from Hong Kong, a Luigi’s Pizza, Pasta and Deli, a Mexican owned
mattress and hammock outlet, a Starbucks, and a Bombay Liquor store...(More)
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Senior
"Prank" Leaves Eight Dead, Dozens Wounded at California High School
- Bayside High School in Bayside,
California became a battlefield this morning when, in the name of an unfathomable
prank, a group of senior students killed eight and injured dozens more during
a bloody assault on their campus. Thinking that their actions would be perceived
as "sort of funny", the three perpetrators comprising the self-titled
... (More) | |
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Man
who had Near Death Experience Arrested for being Under Influence of DMT
- A man who drove through a local pet store after suffering
a heart attack behind the wheel of his car on Thursday was arrested after it was
discovered that he was under the influence of the hallucinogenic drug DMT (dimethyltryptamine)
at the time...(More)
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Family
Raises Household Security Alert Status to ‘Brown’ with Impending Arrival of Kyle
“Poopy Pants” Lindeburger - The
McFaddens of 4615 Rattletrap Road elevated the color code of their Household Security
Alert Status to ‘brown’ today after Julie McFadden consented to her son Dakota’s
request that his friend Kyle “Poopy Pants” Lindeburger sleep over. The decision
to ‘go brown’ for the third time this year – was made in response to the seven
year old boy’s notoriety for defecating in his pants...(More) | |
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If
You Dont Watch Channel 5 News at Ten Tonight and Your Child Dies, You Have
Nobody to Blame But Yourself - Tonights
Channel 5 News at Ten will feature an installment that has direct implications
on the health and well being of your child. This expose will elucidate the dangers
of, possibly, any one of the following: a toy, type of food, terrorist plot, biological
or chemical agent, or an environment that up until nowyou regarded as not being
at all... (More) | |