Family Applies Republican Policy to Own Lives, Encounters Negative Results – Fourteen Perish in Bank Shootout

Inspired by President Bush’s recent budget proposal for the upcoming fiscal year and looking to improve their fortunes, the Abbot family of Coody Crossing, Texas experienced nothing but hardship and tragedy culminating in their deaths after implementing several contemporary tenets of Republican financial policy to their own family budget over the last month.

Citing prevailing conservative philosophy that reducing direct income while increasing spending will ultimately yield a higher rate of revenue, family patriarch J.D. Abbot initiated his ill-fated campaign by quitting his job as a carpenter in early February, telling his foreman, “Go hire yourself a chinaman. Grunt work aint no kind of work for an American,” and immediately went shopping, maxing out his credit card on guns and liquor.

Recounted family friend Cal Roper, “J.D. called me over to celebrate, only when I get to his place he was already drunk as Johnnie Walker’s Siamese twin, walking up and down the trailer park with two Mauser pistols in his hands, scaring up his neighbors shouting about how they better not get any big ideas about messing with his stuff once all his money starts rollin’ in.”

Convinced that they would obtain vast amounts of wealth as long as they enjoyed themselves as much as possible, Mr. Abbot and his wife Sarah took their two daughters out of school and went to Disney World for five days last week, only to return to find all of their possessions, new and old, had been repossessed by their creditors.

“They took everything – even the solar calculator J.D. bought to conserve energy and ‘stick it to the towel heads’. It was a real shame. J.D. really thought he was onto something.”

Deep in debt, J.D. resorted to desperate measures in an attempt to regain solvency, robbing three local liquor stores in a span of two days. The money wasn’t nearly enough though, so he hatched a plan to rob a bank in Midland.

“J.D. tried to recruit me and a few other guys, but his plan was awful. He figured all’s we had to do was walk in there lookin’ tough, maybe shoot a few women and children and they’d hand the money right over lickety-split and we’d be off scot-free,” Mr. Roper said.

Undeterred, J.D. used his family to fill in for his stubborn friends, unwittingly signing all their death warrants in the process.

According to witnesses, the robbery went as planned until a clerk pressed a button that triggered a shield of bullet proof glass to drop between them and their assailants. Not willing to give up, J.D. attempted to compel the bank’s employees to comply by ordering his children to start shooting customers they’d taken hostage, but the clerks refused and soon the police arrived and his kids began crying to go home. Furious, J.D. ordered them at gunpoint to fight to the death as he opened the door and began firing, eliciting a hail of bullets that killed them all.

“It was horrible,” recalled one hostage, “My only wish is that man died slower, like with more pain.”