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 | Serbia
Appoints War Criminal Ratko Mladic New Ambassador to the United Nations -
Ratko
Mladic, one of the two most wanted Bosnian war criminals still at large since
the conflict ended in 1995, was appointed the new Serbian ambassador to the United
Nations today. Presenting Mladic as Ratko Mladich, a businessman and former military
officer of unspecified rank or capacity, Serbia denies... (More) | | | |
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 | Shaquille
ONeal Introduces Toys for Guns Program in the Congo -
In an attempt to mitigate the suffering
of millions of Africans embroiled in the ongoing war in Central Africa, Phoenix
Suns basketball star Shaquille ONeal has launched a toys for guns program
in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.All kinds of people are dying over
there, muttered ONeal on the... (More) | | |
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Palestine
to Relinquish 400 Acres of West Bank Land After Abbas Gets "Zonked"
on Israeli Game Show - Israel
is set to confiscate four hundred additional square miles of Palestinian land
in the West Bank after an appearance by President of the Palestinian National
Authority Mahmoud Abbas on the popular Israeli game show "Let's Haggle!",
a close facsimile of the American game show "Let's Make A Deal", popular
in the 60s and 70s. Dressed like... (More) | | |
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Ancient
Race of Christian Man Discovered Evolution Debunked? - A
group of Christian scientists triumphantly announced
their discovery of archaeological evidence that could disprove the theory of evolution
once and for all the during a news conference at the Creation Museum in Petersburg,
Kentucky yesterday. Although careful to disclaim the conclusions theyve
begun extrapolating from the brittle, pre-historic artifacts harvested from the...
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Hugo
Chavez Molesting American Boys in Their Sleep - Exhibiting
frightening new supernatural powers reminiscent of horror film lore, Venezuelen
President Hugo Chavez has begun molesting boys in their most vulnerable state
- in their sleep. According to sources, the victims, all boys ranging in age from
11 to 14 residing predominately in the south and midwestern United States, report
experiencing dreams of a highly sexual nature involving an older Latin man resembling...
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Japanese
Little League Team Commits Hari-Kari After Losing Championship -
The jubilation of the
31,400 who saw Dalton Carriker slug a solo home run in the bottom of the eighth
inning to snag the Little League World Championship for Warner Robins, Georgia
at Howard J. Lamade Stadium Sunday quickly turned to unmitigated horror when the
American team's Japanese adversaries began... (More)
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| | Hundreds
Flock to View Image of Jesus in Vomit Puddle - Hundreds
of faithful Christians have lined up around the block of a bar in Long Beach,
California to pray before an image in a puddle of vomit they believe represents
Jesus Christ. The image in question was first noticed by its "vessel"
Jeremy Baskin after emerging from the back entrance of the Stumble Inn and throwing
up near the side of the building."I'd gotten pretty sloshed with a couple
of buddies of mine when the next... (More)
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Army
Claims Soldier's Bullet Wounds a "Pre-existing" Condition, Denies Benefits
- According to the Army, Gunnery Sergeant
Brady Nichols of Columbus, South Carolina was shot twice in the leg and once in
the buttocks before entering the military and being deployed to Iraq."That's
ridicuolous," says Nichols, whose family is currently paying out-of-pocket
for the physical therapy he is undergoing to repair the trauma he says was inflicted
on the lower right side of his body in a firefight with... (More) | | |
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Online
Dating Service Launched for Wives of Iraqi Men Disappeared in US Run Prisons
- In a gesture of goodwill, the US occupational authority
in Iraq has sponsored the launch of IraqiSingles.com, an online dating service
for the wives of Iraqi men who have disappeared into US run prisons there. According
to a recent report, a large fraction of the 10,000 or more men who have... (More) | |
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President
Bush Stands Behind Guantanamo Bay's "Angel of Freedom" -
In the face of an ever insensifying tempest of
disapprobation for its sponsorship of torture, the Bush administration is boldly
opposing an international condemnation of the inhumane experiments conducted by
physician Dr. Joeseph Mandelbay on prisoners being held on Guantanamo Bay.A former
formulations scientist in the chemical and cosmetic industries, Mandelbay, dubbed...
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Hundreds
of George Bush Clones Running Amuck Around The World
- George W. Bush's capacity to undermine
international stability has multiplied a thousand-fold and continues to grow exponentially
after the cute, cuddly, yet choleric President spawned a batch of mischievous
clones early yesterday morning as a result of White House Chief of Staff Joshua
Bolten feeding him after midnight. Reports arriving from all over the globe indicate...
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Thirty
Year Old Sweatshop Workers Seventeen Years of Service Saluted with Surprise
Retirement Party - In
lieu of an officially sanctioned send-off, eight co-workers of Moni Ebrahim at
the Shah Makhdum garment factory in Dhaka, Bangladesh saluted the thirty-year
old soon to be ex-seamstress of Disney brand apparel with a surprise party in
honor of her seventeen years of service during their five minute break Sunday.
According to those who attended, the party was a tasteful yet low-key affair...
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Cheney
Memo Advocates Dress-Up Torture of Dogs Affiliated with Terrorist Groups, Pets
- In an addendum to a previous memo the Vice President
sent to the Senate proposing the exemption of Central Intelligence Agency employees
from a legislative measure endorsed earlier this month by 90 Senators that would
bar cruel and degrading treatment of any prisoners in U.S. custody... (More) | |
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News
From A More Just Parallel Past - Jews
To Remain In Germany After Besting Nazi Bowling Team -
Berlin, Germany
- The Nazi authority in Germany has sportingly abandoned their initiative to expunge
all ethnic Jews from the country after losing a bowling match to their Semetic
rivals Tuesday.The contest, which pitted a team comprised of prominent German
Jews against a squad of high ranking Nazi officials, was a highly competitive
affair that... (More) | |
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World's
Religious Followers Becoming Increasingly Fed Up With God’s Bullshit
- Tired
of the seemingly unrelenting barrage of warfare, starvation and natural disaster,
Muslims, Christians and Jews from Kandahar to Kentucky are losing patience with
God’s constant bullshit – leading many to re-evaluate their relationships with
their so-called ‘saviors’. In
the United States’ Southeast, where six major hurricanes and their deadly tornado
offspring have killed thousands... (More) | |
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Ann
Coulter Sex Video Leaked Onto Internet Thousands Die -
Explicit sex footage featuring Ann Coulter leaked
onto the web yesterday, inducing thousands around the world to spontaneously commit
suicide. The video, a thirty-minute atrocity capturing the androgynous right wing
pundit partially dressed in Nazi regalia committing violent sex acts on a frightened
looking bellboy in a hotel room, was pulled from its host site this morning, but
not before... (More) | |
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Will
We Ever Be Safe Again? Al Qaeda Plans to Infiltrate Girl Scouts, Sell Poison Cookies,
FBI Reports - Picture
the scene: That magical day when those delicious Girl Scout cookies you ordered
weeks ago finally arrives, courtesy of the ugly new neighborhood girl in the recognizable
green uniform. Your mouths’ watering, you and your family tear into the brightly
colored boxes and begin eating. Within moments however, you notice something is
wrong... (More) | |
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Spank
the Children, Formerly Feed the Children Triples Donation Sum
by Appealing to Christian Conservative Base
- After adopting a new, corporal approach
and changing the name of their organization to Spank the Children,
the church based group dedicated to improving the condition of life for children
living in the Third World formerly known as Feed the Children has
reported a surge in revenue from their predominately Christian conservative donor
base... (More) | |
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US
Intelligence Reveals: Venezuela Producing Weapons of Mass Destruction
- Evidence recently
collected by the newly revamped United States intelligence community indicates
that Venezuela is secretly developing nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass
destruction...(More) | |
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Democracy
on the Move in Iraq: 74% Approve Commencement of Civil War -
Democracy in Iraq continues to flourish as the
country held yet another successful election yesterday, this time approving the
official commencement of civil war between the nations Shiite and Sunni
factions. Iraqs latest election, coming on the heels of Decembers
parliamentary vote, Januarys vote to determine the... (More) | |
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| Something
Fishy about Tanzanian Election | |
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| Candidate for President: Amani
Sumaye - Chama cha Mapinduzi (CCM) Party - As Tanzania’s
executive representative to the World Bank... | |
Candidate for President: Ali Zanu – MAKIM Party
- As the son of a wealthy prostitute smuggler originally from Uganda... | | | | |
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Wrestling
Battle Royale between Jesus and Mohammed Mired in Scandal
– Both Prove Passive,
Annihilated by Invading Wrestlers - Billed
as the Holy war to end all holy wars the main event wrestling match
between the Christian messiah Jesus Christ and the Islamic prophet Mohammed at
World Wrestling Entertainments Unforgiven pay-per-view special
quickly deteriorated into complete Armageddon with no clear winners...(More) | |
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Today
The Nuclear Bomb, Tomorrow The Wheel? North Korean Scientists Look Ahead
- In the heady days following
their first successful test of a nuclear weapon, North Korean scientists may be
setting their sights on reproducing the development of other practical inventions,
from the highly useful wheel to the delicious sandwich, sources report. If rumors
emanating from the isolated dictatorship are accurate, North Koreans indeed may
soon realize an alternative to... (More) | |
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Recalled:
Artificial Poo Made in China Actually Real Human Feces -
Novelty toy distributor Whodunnit Inc. became
the latest US company to announce a large scale recall of products made in China
today when it was revealed that recent shipments of their best selling "Pile-O-Fun
Fake Poo", "Poopy Pants Diapers" and "Puddle-O-Puke"
amusements consist of actual human feces and vomit. Citing public health concerns,
acting Consumer Product Safety Commission chairman... (More) | | | |
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Global
Meditation Plot Backfires – George Bush Turns into Giant Chicken, Attacks Tokyo
- The plot
of an international consortium of millions of activists to turn George W. Bush
into a chicken through mass global meditation under the precepts promoted by the
study of quantum physics... (More) | |
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Bush
to World: “Lick My Balls”- If
George W. Bush’s swagger appeared to have intensified a bit directly after his
re-election, it’s since grown to the full blown strut of a man who doesn’t give
a flying fuck as it has become evident that along with his own victory, the security
that a House and Senate Republican majority provides the President has impelled
him to drop all the inane pretense that so characterized his first term..(More) | |
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News
from a Just Parallel Universe: Fat Old Rich Guys Slaughtered Invading Iraq – A
Nation Shrugs - This
week’s invasion of Iraq by an army of wealthy, totalitarian businessmen so bent
on gaining control of the Middle Eastern nation’s oil supply that they launched
their own offensive after nobody else expressed any interest in helping...
(More)
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Santa
Stands By Policy of Snubbing Poor Children
- In a letter from the North Pole published in newspapers around
the globe, Santa Claus has issued a promise to the wealthy children of the world
that they can once again expect bigger and better Christmas presents than their
poorer counterparts this year...(More) | |
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Bush
Promises Revenge on Mother Nature for Recent Disasters
- Seven Natural Wonders of the World Targeted
- President George W. Bush has vowed
revenge on Mother Nature for the death and destruction she’s unleashed in the
form of giant hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis in recent months. Calling
the attacks “Unprovoked and ruthless” Bush pledged to spare no measure of his
nation’s military and industrial strength in taking the war against the natural
world global...(More) | |
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