Serbia Appoints War Criminal Ratko Mladic New Ambassador to the United Nations - Ratko Mladic, one of the two most wanted Bosnian war criminals still at large since the conflict ended in 1995, was appointed the new Serbian ambassador to the United Nations today. Presenting Mladic as Ratko Mladich, a businessman and former military officer of unspecified rank or capacity, Serbia denies... (More) 
Shaquille O’Neal Introduces Toys for Guns Program in the Congo - In an attempt to mitigate the suffering of millions of Africans embroiled in the ongoing war in Central Africa, Phoenix Suns basketball star Shaquille O’Neal has launched a toys for guns program in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.“All kinds of people are dying over there,” muttered O’Neal on the... (More)
Palestine to Relinquish 400 Acres of West Bank Land After Abbas Gets "Zonked" on Israeli Game Show - Israel is set to confiscate four hundred additional square miles of Palestinian land in the West Bank after an appearance by President of the Palestinian National Authority Mahmoud Abbas on the popular Israeli game show "Let's Haggle!", a close facsimile of the American game show "Let's Make A Deal", popular in the 60s and 70s. Dressed like... (More)
 
Ancient Race of Christian Man Discovered – Evolution Debunked? - A group of Christian scientists triumphantly announced their discovery of archaeological evidence that could disprove the theory of evolution once and for all the during a news conference at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky yesterday. Although careful to disclaim the conclusions they’ve begun extrapolating from the brittle, pre-historic artifacts harvested from the... (More)
Hugo Chavez Molesting American Boys in Their Sleep - Exhibiting frightening new supernatural powers reminiscent of horror film lore, Venezuelen President Hugo Chavez has begun molesting boys in their most vulnerable state - in their sleep. According to sources, the victims, all boys ranging in age from 11 to 14 residing predominately in the south and midwestern United States, report experiencing dreams of a highly sexual nature involving an older Latin man resembling... (More)
Japanese Little League Team Commits Hari-Kari After Losing Championship - The jubilation of the 31,400 who saw Dalton Carriker slug a solo home run in the bottom of the eighth inning to snag the Little League World Championship for Warner Robins, Georgia at Howard J. Lamade Stadium Sunday quickly turned to unmitigated horror when the American team's Japanese adversaries began... (More)
 
 Hundreds Flock to View Image of Jesus in Vomit Puddle - Hundreds of faithful Christians have lined up around the block of a bar in Long Beach, California to pray before an image in a puddle of vomit they believe represents Jesus Christ. The image in question was first noticed by its "vessel" Jeremy Baskin after emerging from the back entrance of the Stumble Inn and throwing up near the side of the building."I'd gotten pretty sloshed with a couple of buddies of mine when the next... (More)
Army Claims Soldier's Bullet Wounds a "Pre-existing" Condition, Denies Benefits - According to the Army, Gunnery Sergeant Brady Nichols of Columbus, South Carolina was shot twice in the leg and once in the buttocks before entering the military and being deployed to Iraq."That's ridicuolous," says Nichols, whose family is currently paying out-of-pocket for the physical therapy he is undergoing to repair the trauma he says was inflicted on the lower right side of his body in a firefight with... (More)
Online Dating Service Launched for Wives of Iraqi Men Disappeared in US Run Prisons - In a gesture of goodwill, the US occupational authority in Iraq has sponsored the launch of IraqiSingles.com, an online dating service for the wives of Iraqi men who have disappeared into US run prisons there. According to a recent report, a large fraction of the 10,000 or more men who have... (More)
President Bush Stands Behind Guantanamo Bay's "Angel of Freedom" - In the face of an ever insensifying tempest of disapprobation for its sponsorship of torture, the Bush administration is boldly opposing an international condemnation of the inhumane experiments conducted by physician Dr. Joeseph Mandelbay on prisoners being held on Guantanamo Bay.A former formulations scientist in the chemical and cosmetic industries, Mandelbay, dubbed... (More)
Hundreds of George Bush Clones Running Amuck Around The World - George W. Bush's capacity to undermine international stability has multiplied a thousand-fold and continues to grow exponentially after the cute, cuddly, yet choleric President spawned a batch of mischievous clones early yesterday morning as a result of White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten feeding him after midnight. Reports arriving from all over the globe indicate... (More)
Thirty Year Old Sweatshop Worker’s Seventeen Years of Service Saluted with Surprise Retirement Party - In lieu of an officially sanctioned send-off, eight co-workers of Moni Ebrahim at the Shah Makhdum garment factory in Dhaka, Bangladesh saluted the thirty-year old soon to be ex-seamstress of Disney brand apparel with a surprise party in honor of her seventeen years of service during their five minute break Sunday. According to those who attended, the party was a tasteful yet low-key affair... (More)
Cheney Memo Advocates Dress-Up Torture of Dogs Affiliated with Terrorist Groups, Pets - In an addendum to a previous memo the Vice President sent to the Senate proposing the exemption of Central Intelligence Agency employees from a legislative measure endorsed earlier this month by 90 Senators that would bar cruel and degrading treatment of any prisoners in U.S. custody... (More)
News From A More Just Parallel Past - Jews To Remain In Germany After Besting Nazi Bowling Team - Berlin, Germany - The Nazi authority in Germany has sportingly abandoned their initiative to expunge all ethnic Jews from the country after losing a bowling match to their Semetic rivals Tuesday.The contest, which pitted a team comprised of prominent German Jews against a squad of high ranking Nazi officials, was a highly competitive affair that... (More)
World's Religious Followers Becoming Increasingly Fed Up With God’s Bullshit - Tired of the seemingly unrelenting barrage of warfare, starvation and natural disaster, Muslims, Christians and Jews from Kandahar to Kentucky are losing patience with God’s constant bullshit – leading many to re-evaluate their relationships with their so-called ‘saviors’. In the United States’ Southeast, where six major hurricanes and their deadly tornado offspring have killed thousands... (More)
Ann Coulter Sex Video Leaked Onto Internet – Thousands Die - Explicit sex footage featuring Ann Coulter leaked onto the web yesterday, inducing thousands around the world to spontaneously commit suicide. The video, a thirty-minute atrocity capturing the androgynous right wing pundit partially dressed in Nazi regalia committing violent sex acts on a frightened looking bellboy in a hotel room, was pulled from its host site this morning, but not before... (More)
Will We Ever Be Safe Again? Al Qaeda Plans to Infiltrate Girl Scouts, Sell Poison Cookies, FBI Reports - Picture the scene: That magical day when those delicious Girl Scout cookies you ordered weeks ago finally arrives, courtesy of the ugly new neighborhood girl in the recognizable green uniform. Your mouths’ watering, you and your family tear into the brightly colored boxes and begin eating. Within moments however, you notice something is wrong... (More)
“Spank the Children”, Formerly “Feed the Children” Triples Donation Sum by Appealing to Christian Conservative Base - After adopting a new, corporal approach and changing the name of their organization to “Spank the Children”, the church based group dedicated to improving the condition of life for children living in the Third World formerly known as “Feed the Children” has reported a surge in revenue from their predominately Christian conservative donor base... (More)
US Intelligence Reveals: Venezuela Producing Weapons of Mass Destruction - Evidence recently collected by the newly revamped United States intelligence community indicates that Venezuela is secretly developing nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass destruction...(More)
Democracy on the Move in Iraq: 74% Approve Commencement of Civil War - Democracy in Iraq continues to flourish as the country held yet another successful election yesterday, this time approving the official commencement of civil war between the nation’s Shiite and Sunni factions. Iraq’s latest election, coming on the heels of December’s parliamentary vote, January’s vote to determine the... (More)
Something Fishy about Tanzanian Election
Candidate for President: Amani Sumaye - Chama cha Mapinduzi (CCM) Party - As Tanzania’s executive representative to the World Bank... Candidate for President: Ali Zanu – MAKIM Party - As the son of a wealthy prostitute smuggler originally from Uganda...
Wrestling Battle Royale between Jesus and Mohammed Mired in Scandal – Both Prove Passive, Annihilated by Invading Wrestlers - Billed as the “Holy war to end all holy wars” the main event wrestling match between the Christian messiah Jesus Christ and the Islamic prophet Mohammed at World Wrestling Entertainment’s “Unforgiven” pay-per-view special quickly deteriorated into complete Armageddon with no clear winners...(More)
Today The Nuclear Bomb, Tomorrow The Wheel? North Korean Scientists Look Ahead - In the heady days following their first successful test of a nuclear weapon, North Korean scientists may be setting their sights on reproducing the development of other practical inventions, from the highly useful wheel to the delicious sandwich, sources report. If rumors emanating from the isolated dictatorship are accurate, North Koreans indeed may soon realize an alternative to... (More)
Recalled: Artificial Poo Made in China Actually Real Human Feces - Novelty toy distributor Whodunnit Inc. became the latest US company to announce a large scale recall of products made in China today when it was revealed that recent shipments of their best selling "Pile-O-Fun Fake Poo", "Poopy Pants Diapers" and "Puddle-O-Puke" amusements consist of actual human feces and vomit. Citing public health concerns, acting Consumer Product Safety Commission chairman... (More)
Global Meditation Plot Backfires – George Bush Turns into Giant Chicken, Attacks Tokyo - The plot of an international consortium of millions of activists to turn George W. Bush into a chicken through mass global meditation under the precepts promoted by the study of quantum physics... (More)
Bush to World: “Lick My Balls”- If George W. Bush’s swagger appeared to have intensified a bit directly after his re-election, it’s since grown to the full blown strut of a man who doesn’t give a flying fuck as it has become evident that along with his own victory, the security that a House and Senate Republican majority provides the President has impelled him to drop all the inane pretense that so characterized his first term..(More)

News from a Just Parallel Universe: Fat Old Rich Guys Slaughtered Invading Iraq – A Nation Shrugs - This week’s invasion of Iraq by an army of wealthy, totalitarian businessmen so bent on gaining control of the Middle Eastern nation’s oil supply that they launched their own offensive after nobody else expressed any interest in helping... (More)

Santa Stands By Policy of Snubbing Poor Children - In a letter from the North Pole published in newspapers around the globe, Santa Claus has issued a promise to the wealthy children of the world that they can once again expect bigger and better Christmas presents than their poorer counterparts this year...(More)
Bush Promises Revenge on Mother Nature for Recent Disasters - Seven Natural Wonders of the World Targeted - President George W. Bush has vowed revenge on Mother Nature for the death and destruction she’s unleashed in the form of giant hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis in recent months.  Calling the attacks “Unprovoked and ruthless” Bush pledged to spare no measure of his nation’s military and industrial strength in taking the war against the natural world global...(More)