"Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that." - Britney Spears

Jim Cramer Replaced With Mentally Challenged Man on “Mad Money”- Noted loudmouth Wall Street analyst Jim Cramer relinquished hosting duties of his CNBC show “Mad Money” to Randy “The Retard” Eckersley today after losing a contest that pit his stock picks against those of the mentally challenged 44 year-old Philadelphia man and a chicken.The contest, originally conceived by Cramer to confute the argument of a caller who claimed that the practice of picking publicly owned companies to invest in is little more than...(More) 
News From Next Month - Lindsay Lohan Nabbed For Hit and Run, Teenage Victim Thrilled - Less than 48 hours after being released from her latest stint in rehab, Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan was pulled dazed, drunk and confused from behind the wheel of a mangled Mercedes Benz SUV into the glaring light of the paparazzi and fresh trouble last night after hitting a teenage girl, then driving into a tree, authorities report. According to witnesses, Lohan, whose blood alcohol content was... (More)
Paris Hilton Poisoned with Radioactive Cock -The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reported yesterday that a "moderate quantity" of alpha radiation from the substance Polonium-210 was detected in Paris Hilton's urine, leading officials to conclude that the intellectually challenged diva has been the target of an attempted murder plot. Hilton, who was admitted to Cedars-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles after succumbing to a mystery illness Saturday afternoon, was likely exposed when she sucked a cock carrying the radioactive isotope early that morning after a night spent partying... (More)
 
Dustin Diamond, aka "Screech Powers" Witnessed Shouting Racial Slurs on Compton, California Street - Nobody Cares - Dustin Diamond was seen shouting remarks derogatory to African Americans and making crude, racist demonstrations to the prevailing apathy of passerby on a street corner in the predominately black city of Compton, California yesterday. Diamond, best known for his role as Screech Powers on the hit 90s television series "Saved By The Bell", appeared at the southwest corner of Alondra and Long Beach Blvd. shortly after noon Wednesday... (More)
Toys For Tots Accepts Obscene Jive Talking Jesus Doll - War On Christianity Confirmed? -Just one week after rejecting a talking Jesus doll, Toys for Tots has infuriated the Christian Church by accepting a hostile, foul mouthed, jive spewing knock-off version of the toy for distribution to children of needy families this Christmas.The risque toy at the center of the brewing storm, marketed by its manufacturer RadiCo as "Jive Talkin' Jesus", regurgitates vulgar and sacrilegious ebonic phrases in place of the Bible verses of its counterpart when its user activates its digital audio... (More)
Unmasked: Investigation Reveals Heather Mills McCartney A Pirate - A private investigation commissioned by members of Paul McCartney's family into the past of the former Beatle's soon to be ex-wife has revealed the shocking truth that Heather Mills McCartney is in fact the dread female pirate Captain Esmerelda Timbershins, suggesting her marriage to the aging rocker was nothing more than a case of dry-land larceny of the grandest scale. Timbershins' true history paints an entirely different picture than the facade she projected as McCartney's wife... (More)
MySpace.com Celebrates Its 1000th Molestation Victim - The social online community MySpace.com celebrated its 1000th user to be molested by a predator employing the site's interactive networking capabilities this week, marking the occasion with a virtual fireworks display and a bundle of prizes for the victim. The honoree of the landmark event, 13 year-old Michelle Norris of Fort Worth, Texas, attributes her naive acceptance of an invitation to visit the home of online acquaintance Jules Cunningham, a 54 year-old man posing as a 16 year-old rock and roll guitarist... (More)
Bon Jovi Comeback Mimics Patterns Seen in Herpes Virus - According to the latest New Jersey Journal of Medicine, social-epidemiologists are using the herpes simplex virus as a model to explain the pattern of re-emergence of Bon Jovi, the 80’s hair band that seems to disappear only to re-surface with another terrible album every five to six years. “Like the insidious herpes virus which lies dormant within the cells of its human host for a similar period of time before returning as an active infection... (More)
Lindsay Lohan Blows Hit Album Out Her Vagina, Into Kazoo - Surprise, surprise. Silver screen starlet Lindsay Lohan is proving she can be a threat to the artists sitting atop the Billboard Top 40 as well as her box office competition and pedestrians since last week's release of her first commercial album "Songs I Know or Just Heard". Reportedly recorded in less than an hour at a friend's house after a night out in Hollywood, the fourteen minute long, twelve song album combines an assortment of such venerable tunes as... (More)
White Supremacist Loses Big On Jeopardy - 45 year-old truck driver and avowed white supremacist Luke Chandler of Alabaster, Alabama finished his appearance on Jeopardy this Thursday with a score of –22,600, a new record low for any contestant on the game show since its inception in 1964. Chandler, who mentioned needing the prize money from the show to fix several leaks in his roof before declaring the Aryan race superior to all others during his first round interview with host Alex Trebek earned his dubious distinction by responding incorrectly to every question he ventured an answer for... (More)
Fecal Analysis Shows Paris Hilton Not Eating Enough Vegetables - A clinical analysis of Paris Hilton’s feces indicates the diva is not eating a properly nutritious diet, Inside Edition reported Thursday. The conclusion of the report represents the culmination of a study that analyzed dozens of samples of Hilton’s excrement harvested from sidewalks, parking lots, public fountains, nightclub dance floors and the backseats of limousines... (More)
Fashion Police! Red Carpet Patrol with Melissa and Aleksandr
Diva daughter Melissa Rivers and Nobel Laureate author of Gulag Archipelago Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn evaluate this years Oscar fashions
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HMO Guilty of Accelerating Death of Terminal Patients with The Offspring’s ‘Greatest Hits’ - The Hospital Corporation of America (HCA) was ordered to pay the full $1.6 billion of a class action lawsuit yesterday after being found guilty of conspiring to accelerate the death of hundreds of their terminally ill patients. According to the suit, the HMO played the rock band The Offspring’s ‘Greatest Hits’ album incessantly through its public address system... (More)
Diehard Fans Protest Planned Removal of Metallica's Feeding Tube - New York, NY - Throngs of Metallica fans have flocked around Time Warner corporate headquarters to protest the imminent removal of the washed up rock band's feeding tube. The band, whose creative integrity suffered extensive damage after a gruesome plunge from atop the metal ladder in the late eighties, has been languishing in a persistently vegetative state for over fifteen years...(More)
News From A Demented Parallel Universe: New Game Show "Deal or No Deal" to Feature Condemned Criminals - NBC's ehilerating new game show "Deal or No Deal" attracted the viewership of 52 million patriotic citizens in its return to primetime last night, record breaking numbers for a program of its kind. Hosted by funny man Howie Mandel, the show features enemies of the state condemned to death who are confronted with twenty-six sealed briefcases that contain symbols representing various forms of execution... (More)
Short Screenplays by "President" George W. Bush
Back To The 911
24 - Season 6: George W. Bush Saves the Day

Lord of the Rings of Freedom

Dial W. For Weapons of Mass Destruction
“ACryForHelp.net" a Miserable Failure -Since its inception as a desperate plea to the world for acceptance and support by its mopey and oft suicidal host Russell Langdenbreuner, 24, ACryForHelp.net has proven to be nothing short of a complete and miserable failure as what meager interest the website initially sparked has declined steadily and dramatically over time...(More)

Fox Debuts New Show - "So You Think You Can Buy Things?" The Fox network’s new show “So You Think You Can Buy Things” debuted last night to stellar ratings and critical acclaim, outpacing its primetime competition with an estimated audience of 14 million viewers. The show, spawned by a collaboration between the creators of “So You Think You Can Dance” and “American Idol” along with the producers of the Home Shopping Network’s “Shop ‘Til You Drop” is the ultimate search for the nation's best shopper... (More)

The Night Bin Laden Tried to Steal Christmas - A Poem By: George W. Bush - Good news, say I to you, I as your leader have written a story – your dream has come true! Mark my words: this story will be spellbinding and grand, And if you don’t like it, well that’s just too bad..(More)
Jefferson Elementary School’s “Peter Pan” an Abomination - By: Edward DeMilo – Theatre Critic - A quality production of Peter Pan is pure magic. The bittersweet story of a boy who can’t – or won’t – grow up and the young siblings who accompany him to the dreamlike world of Neverland is a work which, adapted with the appropriate dedication and professionalism, enchants audiences young and old with its fantastical tale... (More)
‘The New Village People’ Promote Good Old Fashioned Conservative Values - It’s the question the members of ‘The New Village People’ get asked the most by those uninitiated to their music: “So, where are the Indian, sailor, biker and construction guy? Their response? “Down in hell, burning with the rest of the faggots.” ...(More)

New Video Games Target Independent Film Fans - Finally, companies responsible for the creation of video game versions of every popular mainstream action film produced in recent years are starting to expand their horizons by giving more artistic and independent movies the same treatment.  Here are a few examples of the most popular: (More)

News From a Just Parallel Universe: Britney Spears Arrested After Announcing Pregnancy - Britney Spears was arrested yesterday, shortly after making a public announcement that she is pregnant. The pop sensation’s disclosure prompted police to take her into custody under suspicion of procreating without a license – an infraction that would incur the mandatory relinquishment for adoption of any child carried to term plus a maximum five-year prison sentence in accordance with terms stipulated by the Functional Families Law of 1992... (More)
New NBC Game Show “Rx Factor” Features Senior Citizens Performing Wild Stunts for Prescription Medication - As millions of sick elderly Americans are reduced to poverty by escalating prescription medication costs and the subversion of Medicare, NBC has introduced a bold new game show which features destitute senior citizens performing wild and sometimes gruesome stunts for the drugs they need to survive...(More)
Murderball for the Criminally Insane Match Assumes Literal Meaning Yet Again – Three Perish - After a long tournament short on exciting highlight worthy play, yesterday’s murderball for the criminally insane championship between Crestview Mental Institute and Camarillo State Hospital was a thriller that gave the term ‘sudden death’ whole new meaning as overtime was needed to resolve the contest that witnessed the gruesome deaths of one player, a fan and a referee... (More)

Comic Genius Identifies Irony of Cold Remedy’s Severe Possible Side Effects - The hilarious observational wit of website operator and comic genius Mark Bulger shows no signs of waning anytime soon as he has once again put his unparalleled gift of incisiveness to work – this time by identifying the irony of a cold remedy’s severe possible side effects...(More)