"Honestly,
I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and
we should just support that." - Britney Spears
Jim
Cramer Replaced With Mentally Challenged Man on “Mad Money”-
Noted loudmouth Wall Street analyst Jim Cramer
relinquished hosting duties of his CNBC show “Mad Money” to Randy “The
Retard” Eckersley today after losing a contest that pit his stock picks against
those of the mentally challenged 44 year-old Philadelphia man and a chicken.The
contest, originally conceived by Cramer to confute the argument of a caller who
claimed that the practice of picking publicly owned companies to invest in is
little more than...(More)
News
From Next Month - Lindsay
Lohan Nabbed For Hit and Run, Teenage Victim Thrilled
- Less
than 48 hours after being released from her latest stint in rehab, Hollywood starlet
Lindsay Lohan was pulled dazed, drunk and confused from behind the wheel of a
mangled Mercedes Benz SUV into the glaring light of the paparazzi and fresh trouble
last night after hitting a teenage girl, then driving into a tree, authorities
report. According to witnesses, Lohan, whose blood alcohol content was... (More)
Paris Hilton
Poisoned with Radioactive Cock -The Centers
for Disease Control (CDC) reported yesterday that a "moderate quantity"
of alpha radiation from the substance Polonium-210 was detected in Paris Hilton's
urine, leading officials to conclude that the intellectually challenged diva has
been the target of an attempted murder plot. Hilton, who was admitted to Cedars-Sinai
hospital in Los Angeles after succumbing to a mystery illness Saturday afternoon,
was likely exposed when she sucked a cock carrying the radioactive isotope early
that morning after a night spent partying... (More)
Dustin
Diamond, aka "Screech Powers" Witnessed Shouting Racial Slurs on Compton,
California Street - Nobody Cares - Dustin
Diamond was seen shouting remarks derogatory to African Americans and making crude,
racist demonstrations to the prevailing apathy of passerby on a street corner
in the predominately black city of Compton, California yesterday. Diamond, best
known for his role as Screech Powers on the hit 90s television series "Saved
By The Bell", appeared at the southwest corner of Alondra and Long Beach
Blvd. shortly after noon Wednesday... (More)
Toys
For Tots Accepts Obscene Jive Talking Jesus Doll - War On Christianity Confirmed?
-Just one week after rejecting a talking Jesus doll,
Toys for Tots has infuriated the Christian Church by accepting a hostile, foul
mouthed, jive spewing knock-off version of the toy for distribution to children
of needy families this Christmas.The risque toy at the center of the brewing storm,
marketed by its manufacturer RadiCo as "Jive Talkin' Jesus", regurgitates
vulgar and sacrilegious ebonic phrases in place of the Bible verses of its counterpart
when its user activates its digital audio... (More)
Unmasked:
Investigation Reveals Heather Mills McCartney A Pirate - A
private investigation commissioned by members of Paul McCartney's family into
the past of the former Beatle's soon to be ex-wife has revealed the shocking truth
that Heather Mills McCartney is in fact the dread female pirate Captain Esmerelda
Timbershins, suggesting her marriage to the aging rocker was nothing more than
a case of dry-land larceny of the grandest scale. Timbershins' true history paints
an entirely different picture than the facade she projected as McCartney's wife...
(More)
MySpace.com
Celebrates Its 1000th Molestation Victim - The
social online community MySpace.com celebrated its 1000th user to be molested
by a predator employing the site's interactive networking capabilities this week,
marking the occasion with a virtual fireworks display and a bundle of prizes for
the victim. The honoree of the landmark event, 13 year-old Michelle Norris of
Fort Worth, Texas, attributes her naive acceptance of an invitation to visit the
home of online acquaintance Jules Cunningham, a 54 year-old man posing as a 16
year-old rock and roll guitarist... (More)
Bon
Jovi Comeback Mimics Patterns Seen in Herpes Virus - According
to the latest New Jersey Journal of Medicine, social-epidemiologists are using
the herpes simplex virus as a model to explain the pattern of re-emergence of
Bon Jovi, the 80’s hair band that seems to disappear only to re-surface with
another terrible album every five to six years. “Like the insidious herpes
virus which lies dormant within the cells of its human host for a similar period
of time before returning as an active infection... (More)
Lindsay
Lohan Blows Hit Album Out Her Vagina, Into Kazoo
- Surprise,
surprise. Silver screen starlet Lindsay Lohan is proving she can be a threat to
the artists sitting atop the Billboard Top 40 as well as her box office competition
and pedestrians since last week's release of her first commercial album "Songs
I Know or Just Heard". Reportedly recorded in less than an hour at a friend's
house after a night out in Hollywood, the fourteen minute long, twelve song album
combines an assortment of such venerable tunes as... (More)
White
Supremacist Loses Big On Jeopardy - 45
year-old truck driver and avowed white supremacist Luke Chandler of Alabaster,
Alabama finished his appearance on Jeopardy this Thursday with a score of –22,600,
a new record low for any contestant on the game show since its inception in 1964.
Chandler, who mentioned needing the prize money from the show to fix several leaks
in his roof before declaring the Aryan race superior to all others during his
first round interview with host Alex Trebek earned his dubious distinction by
responding incorrectly to every question he ventured an answer for... (More)
Fecal
Analysis Shows Paris Hilton Not Eating Enough Vegetables -
A clinical analysis of Paris Hilton’s feces
indicates the diva is not eating a properly nutritious diet, Inside Edition reported
Thursday. The conclusion of the report represents the culmination of a study that
analyzed dozens of samples of Hilton’s excrement harvested from sidewalks,
parking lots, public fountains, nightclub dance floors and the backseats of limousines...
(More)
HMO
Guilty of Accelerating Death of Terminal Patients with The Offspring’s ‘Greatest
Hits’ - The
Hospital Corporation of America (HCA) was ordered to pay the full $1.6 billion
of a class action lawsuit yesterday after being found guilty of conspiring to
accelerate the death of hundreds of their terminally ill patients. According to
the suit, the HMO played the rock band The Offspring’s ‘Greatest Hits’ album incessantly
through its public address system... (More)
Diehard
Fans Protest Planned Removal of Metallica's Feeding Tube - New
York, NY - Throngs of Metallica fans have flocked around Time Warner corporate
headquarters to protest the imminent removal of the washed up rock band's feeding
tube. The band, whose creative integrity suffered extensive damage after a gruesome
plunge from atop the metal ladder in the late eighties, has been languishing in
a persistently vegetative state for over fifteen years...(More)
News
From A Demented Parallel Universe: New
Game Show "Deal or No Deal" to Feature Condemned Criminals
- NBC's ehilerating new game
show "Deal or No Deal" attracted the viewership of 52 million patriotic
citizens in its return to primetime last night, record breaking numbers for a
program of its kind. Hosted by funny man Howie Mandel, the show features enemies
of the state condemned to death who are confronted with twenty-six sealed briefcases
that contain symbols representing various forms of execution... (More)
“ACryForHelp.net"
a Miserable Failure
-Since its inception as a desperate
plea to the world for acceptance and support by its mopey and oft suicidal host
Russell Langdenbreuner, 24, ACryForHelp.net has proven to be nothing short of
a complete and miserable failure as what meager interest the website initially
sparked has declined steadily and dramatically over time...(More)
Fox Debuts New Show - "So You Think You Can Buy Things?" The Fox network’s new show “So You Think You Can Buy Things” debuted last night to stellar ratings and critical acclaim, outpacing its primetime competition with an estimated audience of 14 million viewers. The show, spawned by a collaboration between the creators of “So You Think You Can Dance” and “American Idol” along with the producers of the Home Shopping Network’s “Shop ‘Til You Drop” is the ultimate search for the nation's best shopper... (More)
Jefferson
Elementary School’s “Peter Pan” an Abomination
- By: Edward DeMilo – Theatre Critic - A quality production
of Peter Pan is pure magic. The bittersweet story of a boy who can’t –
or won’t – grow up and the young siblings who accompany him to the dreamlike
world of Neverland is a work which, adapted with the appropriate dedication and
professionalism, enchants audiences young and old with its fantastical tale...
(More)
‘The
New Village People’ Promote Good Old Fashioned Conservative Values
- It’s
the question the members of ‘The New Village People’ get asked the most by those
uninitiated to their music: “So, where are the Indian, sailor, biker and construction
guy? Their response? “Down in hell, burning with the rest of the faggots.” ...(More)
New
Video Games Target Independent Film Fans - Finally,
companies responsible for the creation of video game versions of every popular
mainstream action film produced in recent years are starting to expand their horizons
by giving more artistic and independent movies the same treatment. Here
are a few examples of the most popular: (More)
News
From a Just Parallel Universe: Britney
Spears Arrested After Announcing Pregnancy - Britney
Spears was arrested yesterday, shortly after making a public announcement that
she is pregnant. The pop sensation’s disclosure prompted police to take her into
custody under suspicion of procreating without a license – an infraction that
would incur the mandatory relinquishment for adoption of any child carried to
term plus a maximum five-year prison sentence in accordance with terms stipulated
by the Functional Families Law of 1992... (More)
New
NBC Game Show “Rx Factor” Features Senior Citizens Performing Wild Stunts for
Prescription Medication - As
millions of sick elderly Americans are reduced to poverty by escalating prescription
medication costs and the subversion of Medicare, NBC has introduced a bold new
game show which features destitute senior citizens performing wild and sometimes
gruesome stunts for the drugs they need to survive...(More)
Murderball
for the Criminally Insane Match Assumes Literal Meaning Yet Again – Three
Perish - After a long tournament short on
exciting highlight worthy play, yesterday’s murderball for the criminally
insane championship between Crestview Mental Institute and Camarillo State Hospital
was a thriller that gave the term ‘sudden death’ whole new meaning as
overtime was needed to resolve the contest that witnessed the gruesome deaths
of one player, a fan and a referee... (More)
Comic
Genius Identifies Irony of Cold Remedy’s Severe Possible Side Effects
-
The hilarious observational wit of website operator and comic genius Mark Bulger
shows no signs of waning anytime soon as he has once again put his unparalleled
gift of incisiveness to work – this time by identifying the irony of a cold remedy’s
severe possible side effects...(More)